I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My penis needs a shock collar
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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