Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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