why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
