During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
