The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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