It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
