Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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