3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.