I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
