the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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