you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
