two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
