I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
