Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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