i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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