dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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