My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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