we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
