I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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