From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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