Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
