if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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