I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
