My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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