Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
