he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
