My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
