did you get engaged???
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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