i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
