my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
