you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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