yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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