Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
