my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
