Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
