So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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