I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
