Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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