No stitches, just platelets and will power
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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