I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
