He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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