what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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