You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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