Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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