I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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