His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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