You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
