drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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