My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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