The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
