OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
