Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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