I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
