I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
