Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
